One of the biggest misconceptions about Christian dating is that the Bible gives us a clear, step-by-step “dating manual.” It doesn’t.
In fact, the concept of modern dating as we know it doesn’t really appear in Scripture.
That doesn’t make dating wrong, it just means we need wisdom, not rigid rules (besides, flushing toilets are cars aren’t in the bible either, but we’ve managed to work out how to use these safely!)
The Bible and the language of love
In ancient Greek, there are multiple words for “love,” including:
- Philia: friendship
- Eros: romantic/sexual love
- Agape: selfless, sacrificial love
- Storge: family affection
But in English, all of these are flattened into one word: love.
This matters, because it can blur important distinctions in relationships. Most English speakers understand that when I say, “I love my business partner Lauren”, “I love my husband Matt”, and “I love my barista” I mean a different form of love for each. The Greeks were clever enough to create different words for each of these functions!
Why order matters in relationships
Christian thinkers like C.S. Lewis and Tim Keller have noted that modern culture often prioritises love in the wrong order:
- Eros: attraction, sexual, erotic
- Storge: affection, emotion
- Phileo: friendship, comradery
- Agape: unconditional, divine, selfless love of God
But a more grounded, biblical-shaped approach tends to reorder this:
- Agape: unconditional, divine, selfless love of God
- Phileo: friendship, comradery
- Storge: affection, emotion
- Eros: attraction, sexual, erotic
Not because attraction is unimportant, but because it is not foundational. Loving one another and seeing each other like Christ is.
Jesus and the centre of relationships
Jesus commands us to love others as ourselves (Matthew 22:36–40). That includes caring for the whole person, not just how they make you feel or how attractive they are. This includes things like another person’s faith journey, wellbeing, faith, growth and future.
A helpful question becomes:
Does this relationship draw me closer to Jesus, or away from Him?
Because healthy relationships should not compete with, or complete, your faith – they should strengthen it!
Dating as preparation, not pressure
If marriage becomes part of the journey, it carries significant meaning in Christian theology, that is, reflecting Christ’s love for the Church (See Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 7 for more on this)
That is why dating matters.
Not because every relationship must lead to marriage, but because every relationship shapes how we love, commit, and grow as individuals.
Final thought
Christian dating is not about finding someone who completes you.
It is about learning how to love well, discern wisely, grow in character and keep Jesus at the centre of relationships
So yes, go on the coffee date. Involve God in the process and keep communicating with each other!
What now?
If this has raised questions for you, you’re not alone. These conversations about Christian dating, relationships, and faith can be complex, and they’re exactly the kind of things we unpack in depth in our church young adult workshops. We create space to explore what it looks like to date with wisdom, navigate relationships well, and keep Jesus at the centre of it all in a way that’s honest, practical, and grounded in faith.
If you’d like more content like this, follow us on social media where we regularly share insights, reflections, and tools for navigating faith, relationships, and life in a way that actually makes sense of the real world.
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