BKT Blog

My sexual desire feels so hard to control, why did God make it work this way?

No matter what your journey has been up to this point, I want to bring us back to the truth that God is a graceful God whose love and mercy are never-ending. There are people whose experience around dating, physical boundaries, and sex is filled with broken-heartedness, pain, regret, and trauma and I acknowledge this may be a challenging space to sit in. 

Maintaining physical boundaries in dating is a challenging enough experience without even mentioning the difficulties surrounding a body full of sex hormones. 

Saying that we live in a hypersexualised world should not come as a surprise. The cultural messages we are exposed to suggest that sex is casual and not a big deal (also known as ‘hook-up culture’), that sex is essential to our health, and that sex is primarily physical. This culture has filtered through what society considers as part of dating, with cohabitation without marriage, casual sex, pornography use, and premarital sex now the cultural norm.  

However, sex is not, and can never be, just a physical act. Just like Pastor Havilah Cunnington puts it in her book, ‘The Naked Truth About Sexuality’, God’s design and purpose for sex can be summarised in three Bs:

  1. Babies, e.g. Genesis 1:28, 2:24. 
  2. Beauty e.g. Proverbs 5:18-20 and the entire book of Songs of Songs.
  3. Bonding – e.g. Matthew 19:4-6.

Not only does sex produce human life and comprise pleasure and the beauty of intimacy, but at a chemical level, the neurotransmitters that are fired in our brains during sex (dopamine and oxytocin) deepen our emotional attachment to one another. Sex helps us bond with others in a very strong way. 

Let us be clear, God is not anti-sex. In many passages in the Bible, God states that sex is not only for procreation but also to be enjoyed and celebrated within the covenant of marriage as it promotes bonding and oneness between a husband and wife and confirms the covenant made through marriage (which emulates the ultimate covenant Jesus has made with His Bride – the body of Christ! (Eph 5:21-33)) It’s literally one of the first things He tells Adam and Eve to do! (Gen 1:28). Sex outside of marriage, however, is a distortion of what God wants for our life and causes a lot of brokenness and pain (1 Corinthians 7:8-9, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8). God is pure and He made us in His image, so we get the privilege of living with intention and righteousness (John 10:10, Gen 1:27, 1 John 3:3). 

Additionally, with its specific design, power, and intent, we believe that a safe and healthy marriage is the perfect place for sexual intimacy! Sex is one of the most intimate and vulnerable things you can ever do with another human being and it can literally make a human life – that’s a big responsibility! Sex is powerful, not bad. This is why God’s gifted it within marriage. Experiencing sexual intimacy in all of its glory within a safe, healthy, God-focused marriage just makes sense. 

To wrap up, we want to circle back to the start of this post. We all have our own journey and experiences in this space and we cannot avoid the weight, shame and judgement that this topic carries for many people in the church. Our intention is not to bring further shame onto you but to encourage you to delve into Scripture and spend time in God’s presence to seek His heart for you when it comes to navigating your desire for intimacy (whether that’s sexual or otherwise). We also acknowledge that this post in particular may bring some really uncomfortable feelings, hurt, or trauma. Please know that there are health professionals available to support you in this journey.

We encourage you to think about the following:

  • What has influenced your view of sex and sexual desire? How has it impacted your beliefs about sexual desire?
  • How can your relationship with God strengthen you to resist ‘hook-up culture’?

Download our Free Sex & God Bible Study here for an intro into exploring Scripture.

References

Burgoyne, B., Awadallah, D., Walmsley, T., Chiam, J., Rapti, E., & Ohwovoriole, T. (n.d.). Hormones and sex drive. Retrieved from https://www.inne.io/en/blog/article/hormones-and-sex-drive 

Cunnington, H. (2015). The Naked Truth About Sexuality. Redding, California.

Law, B. M. (2011, March 1). Hormones & desire. Monitor on Psychology, 42(3). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/03/hormones

Urszula M. Marcinkowska, Talia Shirazi, Magdalena Mijas & James R. Roney (2022): Hormonal Underpinnings of the Variation in Sexual Desire, Arousal and Activity Throughout the Menstrual Cycle – A Multifaceted Approach, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2022.2110558 


Rhoades, G. and Stanley, S. (2023). What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce. Institute for Family Studies.https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/reports/cohabitationreportapr2023-final.pdf

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