BKT Blog

Physical boundaries and hormones. A dynamic duo. 

You may have stumbled upon videos of this 1970s psychological experiment where children had the option of having a marshmallow as an immediate reward or two marshmallows if they waited 15 minutes being alone with a single marshmallow. The study (the Stanford marshmallow experiment, if you’d like to check it out) looks at delayed gratification. I bring it up because keeping physical boundaries when oestrogen levels are through the roof, around the time of ovulation, can feel a little like being tempted with the greatest reward we could access right at that time. Women’s bodies, their hormone cycles to be specific, are geared towards fertilising the egg at the time of ovulation, so, unsurprisingly, sexual desire is highest at that time of the month.

So with that being said…

How do we begin to think about keeping boundaries when our sex drive is at an all-time high every month? 

1. Get to know your body.

First, it can be helpful to identify whether your increased sexual desire can be attributed to your fluctuating hormones during your menstrual cycle (you might just be very attracted to your partner). This can be done by tracking your symptoms and seeing if a pattern emerges. Depending on where you live across the globe, there are a range of apps you could look into, such as flo (pictured below) and Clue. You could also simply track your symptoms using a daily planner or a calendar.

If you do notice your sex drive has those peaks and valleys, it then raises several questions. Does it make it more challenging to maintain those physical boundaries with your partner? In which situations is it harder to maintain those boundaries? Are there any buffers you can put in place to honour your partner during these times?

Reflect on these questions privately and get clear on your thoughts here. 

2. Get clear on your why!

Integral to this topic is to have honest and open conversations with your partner before you’re ‘in the moment’. Start from the foundation of your shared values, identifying why you want to maintain sexual purity and what that means for each of you. At BKT, we call this ‘Your Why’. A lack of understanding and communication can derail your goal and leave you both feeling misunderstood, dishonoured, or even disrespected. Having this conversation before getting swept up in the moment is vital as it can be very hard to think straight when your hormones are raging. They call it ‘love drunk’ for a reason!

Once you have that shared understanding, identify what your boundaries are. We are not here to tell you what ‘crossing the line’ is, only you and your partner can decide this. We suggest spending time in God’s presence, by yourself and as a couple, and asking Him to speak into this. We also recommend chatting with your support crew (every couple needs a group of people who want the best for you to rely on). The Holy Spirit will help you identify the boundaries you need to place in your relationship and your loved one’s can share wisdom and help keep you accountable too. 

Identifying physical boundaries takes a collaborative approach. If you find that you have varying degrees of physical touch or general physical boundaries you’re comfortable with (E.g one of you would feel comfortable being at a house just the two of you but the other wouldn’t), don’t try to push that boundary. Your boundaries always default to the more conservative option. This is how we honour one another best. Nagging and trying to convince your partner to go further than their identified boundaries starts to become an issue of consent and abuse. Just don’t even go there. Have your conversation together, set goals, and then work towards keeping them! If you feel consistent rejection when the more conservative boundaries are put in place, get curious as to why and chat with your support crew about this.

3. Make a plan.

Let’s go back to those peaks and valleys of our hormonal fluctuation. Understanding when you might have increased levels of oestrogen floating through your body giving you a higher sex drive can help identify when you should put extra barriers in place to manage your boundaries. If you feel it is difficult to maintain physical boundaries around the time of ovulation, have a conversation with your partner and develop some practical responses. 

For example, if you both are comfortable to be home alone but you find it is difficult when you’re experiencing a higher sex drive due to your menstrual cycle, you and your partner could come up with an alternate activity that can be done in public or around more people. 

We could give you more examples of physical boundaries you could set in place while dating. However to avoid adding to the confusion and almost prescriptive nature of these types of conversations, we rather to encourage you to spend time in God’s presence, delve deep into what God says in the bible and have conversations with not only your partner, but also trusted Christian leaders around you that have experience navigating these waters. 

If you take one thing away from all of this, let it be that maintaining physical boundaries involves the two of you. Have honest and open conversations with your partner to draw up a practical plan of how to maintain physical purity in your relationship. Boundaries are not set in ‘the heat of the moment’ and it is much harder to stop if there is no plan put in place. 

Here are some questions to ponder and chat through with your partner and support crew:

  1. Have you identified an increase in sexual desire at certain points of your menstrual cycle? It is ok if you have not, we’re all different.
  2. If you are in a dating relationship, have a conversation with your partner about how you can support each other to have some healthy physical boundaries in place.
  3. Identify some loved ones (maybe a friend or a trusted leader at church) who can encourage you and keep you accountable to the boundaries you’ve set in place. 

References

Burgoyne, B., Awadallah, D., Walmsley, T., Chiam, J., Rapti, E., & Ohwovoriole, T. (n.d.). Hormones and sex drive. Retrieved from https://www.inne.io/en/blog/article/hormones-and-sex-drive 

Cunnington, H. (2015). The Naked Truth About Sexuality. Redding, California.

Law, B. M. (2011, March 1). Hormones & desire. Monitor on Psychology, 42(3). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/03/hormones

Urszula M. Marcinkowska, Talia Shirazi, Magdalena Mijas & James R. Roney (2022): Hormonal Underpinnings of the Variation in Sexual Desire, Arousal and Activity Throughout the Menstrual Cycle – A Multifaceted Approach, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2022.2110558 


Rhoades, G. and Stanley, S. (2023). What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce. Institute for Family Studies.https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/reports/cohabitationreportapr2023-final.pdf

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