It is easy to think that once we’re married, we have free reign to let loose and be as sexually free as we desire. Some Christians can often think of marriage as a ‘sex on tap’ situation. However, the reality is that sex within marriage still requires consent and self-control.
No, sex is not on tap in marriage! You don’t get it as much as you so desire, there’s a whole other person with opinions, desires, and values to consider – just like dating.
Knowing how your body responds to your menstrual cycle allows you to communicate your needs with your spouse, not only is it helpful to understand yourself but it creates a channel to know each other at a deeper level.
When it comes to sexual desire, the majority of married couples have differing libidos and it is important to communicate clearly and honestly about this. Oftentimes one spouse has a higher libido than the other as a default and this needs navigating. It is also a good idea to think about how you can navigate times when one spouse is feeling sexually rejected or wanting to be sexually pursued. Communicating about these things when you’re not in the middle of these emotions is helpful. There will be many times when you may want to have sex and your spouse does not! What’s your plan for when this happens?
All in all, communication is key when it comes to navigating sexual desire within your relationship (whether you’re dating or married). Talking about how you experience sexual desire and what you want in your sexual relationship is a way of honouring that part of yourself and the other person. It is a space of learning about each other and exploring how God has made you.
Some questions to think about:
- What can the person with the higher libido do to love and honour their spouse and vice versa?
- When you experience a change in your libido due to your hormonal cycle, what can your spouse do to understand you in that time?
- How can you give and receive a “no, not right now” well?
- What emotion could be sitting behind your sex drive in those moments? Often it’s something as simple as a desire for intimacy and closeness which can be achieved in other ways, e.g. cuddling, deep conversation, laughing together.
References
Burgoyne, B., Awadallah, D., Walmsley, T., Chiam, J., Rapti, E., & Ohwovoriole, T. (n.d.). Hormones and sex drive. Retrieved from https://www.inne.io/en/blog/article/hormones-and-sex-drive
Cunnington, H. (2015). The Naked Truth About Sexuality. Redding, California.
Law, B. M. (2011, March 1). Hormones & desire. Monitor on Psychology, 42(3). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/03/hormones
Urszula M. Marcinkowska, Talia Shirazi, Magdalena Mijas & James R. Roney (2022): Hormonal Underpinnings of the Variation in Sexual Desire, Arousal and Activity Throughout the Menstrual Cycle – A Multifaceted Approach, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2022.2110558
Rhoades, G. and Stanley, S. (2023). What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce. Institute for Family Studies.https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/reports/cohabitationreportapr2023-final.pdf
